How To Keep the Monsters Away At Work

Blood-sucking freaks, man-made undead creatures with bolts in their necks, and beasts that only come out certain days of the moon cycle can be just as common in the workplace as they are on the silver screen or at your local Redbox kiosk.

Whether it’s that maniacal, foaming-at-the-mouth ogre in Finance trying to deny your latest expense request or the Creature from the Black Boardroom questioning the ROI of your CapEx proposal, there can be spooks, ghouls, and goblins at every turn in the workplace. Their attempts to terrorize the haven you call work can distract you from your real duties at hand.

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Tame the Beast

Every monster has its weakness. Sure you might not have a silver bullet, wooden stake, or Ecto-Containment Unit on hand, but learning what causes your more troublesome superiors to go all Mr. Hyde up in your department can be almost as effective. It may be the little things that set them off. Be on time, follow the dress code, and most importantly, take responsibility for any missteps that are clearly your fault. That may be enough to repel the Bogeyman temporarily, if not for eternity.

When in Transylvania or Calling Dr. Van Helsing

Every workplace has its own culture. Luckily, every workplace also has its own cultural influencers. Your best bet is to find the Van Helsing on your floor who can help keep the monsters at bay. Aligning with a defender of best business practices will reap many benefits in the long run. Operating within the culture of your workplace may not be easy if monsters rule the land, but an angry mob with torches and pitchforks led by a workplace influencer can be very convincing.

Torches are Your New Best Friends

Make sure you have plenty of light within your cube, and don’t place your desk next to exterior walls or windows. Wait a second—that only works in Minecraft. In the workplace, rules are different if you don’t want monsters spawning in your office. They may not be hairy, wart-nosed savages, but nothing attracts trouble at the office as quick as suspicious behavior. Like a torch, transparency can be your new best friend. Ever seen a cashier give you change by separating your large bills, counting from the sale amount, and placing the change on the counter so you can plainly see your money? That’s operating with transparency. Bringing that to your own job may be difficult, but seek out ways to let others know how you operate. Doing so will keep your manager’s fur from standing on end, and who knows, you just might sleep a little better at night.


Just like the deep, dark stairwell leading to the dank, dusty basement with no working light except that light bulb swinging from the middle of the ceiling, a workplace can turn into a scary situation at a moment’s notice. No matter how well meaning your intentions may be, sometimes there’s just no way to defeat the evil that is haunting you. Learning how to remove yourself from potentially dangerous workplace circumstances is a skill more valuable than beast-slaying. If that means looking for a new job, you won’t be the first victim to seek out a change of scenery. So, quietly close the basement door and leave the house as fast as you can, especially if the lights are blinking on and off. And whatever you do, don’t pick up the phone.

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1 comment

  1. Sissym Reply

    This text gets to be comical, but true. There are monsters in the workplace and it takes a lot of patience to deal with people who pretend to be efficient because they are a real bootlicker of executives.